“You could make this all go away!”– Emery

What do you do when you know that God can but you don’t know if God will?

Or where is God when good things happen to bad people and bad things happen to good people?

If you look back through your life, I’m sure there are many shadows that defy a good, solid “Look at what God has done” proclamations. There sure are in mine.

Those are the moments that we kinda shuffle from our memories and avoid bringing up in conversations, particularly with unbelievers.

In fact, that is probably why we all dread that moment when darkness envelopes a friend, coworker, family member, or acquaintance with tragedy or depression.

Because we Christians, the ones who believe in a loving, all-powerful God are confronted through our friend’s grief with our own doubt: can God really be good if he allows these horrendous circumstances?

My life has been far from shiny. There are rusted, rotted, rank moments, days, weeks, even years where the easy answer that God is good rings just a bit hollow.

Many days I spend asking God why, if he loves me so much, he doesn’t get off his butt and help me.

In fact, this week has been another such moment where life, calling, and God’s character are not adding up. Then I read Isaiah 50.

In Isaiah 50, God’s prophet details his troubles. Abuse is a good word for the treatment Isaiah suffered at the hands of God’s own people (does that resonate with anyone else who has spent time around the Church and been burned, or is that just me?).

Here is a man who was the mouthpiece of God for years. That would have to be a pretty intimate relationship between God and Isaiah.

And yet Isaiah struggled with abuse, depression, death threats, and suicidal thoughts.

Why didn’t God take that away? Based on what he proclaimed and worked through Isaiah, it wasn’t an issue of impotence. But God didn’t take those things away.

Here’s what Isaiah says in the midst of abuse:

  • “But the Lord God helps me; therefore I have not been disgraced,” (Isaiah 50:7, ESV),
  • “Behold, the Lord God helps me” (Isaiah 50:9, ESV), and finally,
  • “Let him who walks in darkness and has no light trust in the name of the Lord and rely on his God” (Isaiah 50:10, ESV).

There are many other instances where Isaiah’s attitude was a bit more bleak. The comfort there is that we know that even a prophet of God can droop under the weight of divine purpose on a profane planet.

The book of Isaiah offers us an intimate view of God in the midst of darkness, both internal and external. It proclaims the faithfulness of God even when the circumstances don’t make sense.

We will never know all of what God is doing and all of who God is. If we could, what would be the point of faith?

But we can trust that no matter how dark our days get, the Lord our God is right there with us, watching our steps, picking us up when we fall, and beating back more enemies than we would be comfortable knowing are out there watching our steps.

There is no easy answer in our dark days. But there is a God who invites us to cry out, shake our fists, and ask the hard questions. He is not threatened by our confusion and doubt.

This week has been dark for me. But I’m choosing to believe that God is actively working in my favor, doing things on my behalf that would stagger me with the force of his love if only I knew.

I may never know the whys behind my dark days, but I can know the God who is bigger than the dark days.

Song credit goes to Emery’s “The Less You Say,” from You Were Never Alone.

Confused, Alone, and Discouraged

Once we believe that Jesus is the Son of God who came to save us,  we stumble through a little prayer, then are pronounced Christians.

A Bible is dropped in our laps, we’re told to go to church, and be “Christians.” And that is the extent of our education.

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But what about those of us who actually have a sense of humor or– God forbid– adventure? Or life is so busy we can barely breathe much less devote an hour to read and try to understand the Bible?

Or we fall asleep praying because, let’s face it, talking to the ceiling just ain’t what it’s cracked up to be? Or the unthinkable happens and God doesn’t answer our prayer? 

Everyone else seems to get it and look great but here you are drowning with a good Christian smile on your face?

Or you have a fantastic walk with the Lord but you’re alone, lonely, discouraged, and wondering what in the world is so unlovable about you?

I’ve been there.

And there is hope. Do you know why I’m sitting here writing this? Dragging my little black moleskin and Bic pen up mountains, into deserts, across state lines, to work, into my backyard, and to bed with me?

Because I’ve been there. And one thing that the church, bless its little heart, is doing wrong is allowing its women to drown in insecurity, anxiety, and despair.

We have not been equipped to be Christians. We have not be equipped to be warriors. And we certainly have not been equipped to be women.

That is why I’m writing this blog. I am done watching women like me drown in churches with smiles on their faces and broken hearts stuffed up their sleeves.

I am not an expert, but God has led me through more swamps and dark places than I care to remember most days. And he has taught me a few things.

I want to share what I’ve learned. Hopefully it will help you. And hopefully it will help you avoid some of the traps I’ve stumbled into.

For now, just know that God really does love you. He has never left you. And he never will.

 

Becoming a Warrior

I’m starting to suspect that we women, especially if we have a relationship with the Creator and His Son and truly grasp that we are the crown of creation (Genesis 1 and 2) and Beloved, we are one of the biggest threats to the Enemy’s plans.

Women have an enormous capacity for passion and action. During times of struggle or terror, if you get a women invested in the cause, she’s going to be a force to be reckoned with.

I am not saying that the feminine is all-powerful. I am saying that God created women for a divine purpose. And it wasn’t just to shop and eat cookie dough and make doilies. Nor was it to dominate men.

When we women finally lay down our rights and trust in the God who made us– unique, fierce, intelligent, and beautiful– when we believe that He has only good for us and choose to walk in obedience, that is when we become a threat. 

I don’t want to be collateral damage. I want to be a warrior. I don’t want to be a victim anymore, but a soldier with a life that matters. With a purpose and a King to fight for.

The moment I truly decided to take strategic, defensive and offensive action in obedience to my God, the Enemy attacked.

I am not sitting at home, enjoying a nice cup of tea and writing something theoretical on this blog. I’m sitting in a corner, praying for my husband, and wondering what is going to happen in the next ten minutes.

I’m in the middle of a battle right now, fighting for my husband, my life, and my marriage. And I have been all summer. Why? Because, by the grace and power of my Lord Jesus Christ, I have joined the ranks of Christian soldiers who threaten Satan’s survival.

Welcome to the War Tent…

When you think of a woman, what comes to mind? Perhaps it’s an anatomical answer. Or an age answer or a female in a suit and heels, calling the shots or a mother with a husband, children, committees, and a house to run? What about a Christian woman? Or—possibly even worse—a “Proverbs 31 Woman”?

Whatever your mental image, I can bet that it is a) vague and b) not you. Don’t worry; it’s not me either. Womanhood is a vague, intimidating, just-this-side-of-dangerous concept. Can you feel it? The uncertainty, longing, disgust, and despair creeping up on you?

That is because womanhood is a dangerous topic that makes everyone just a little bit uneasy. Why? Because a woman unleashed is an awfully powerful thing.

You know Mother Nature? Mama Bear? “If Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”? Humanity and creation both recognize the feminine as a wildly powerful, ravishingly beautiful, intensely untamable force.

So. Do you feel that way? I don’t. Not most of the time. At my best, I’m perky. At my worst, I’m annoying. But fierce? Powerful? Frightening? Me? Hardly.

So what happened to me—to us? Remember those poems about sorceresses, druids, shield maidens, and women so fiercely inspiring, nations rose and fell? I don’t know about you, but that’s not the woman I see blinking in the mirror at 6:30 in the morning. In fact, if I’m honest, I don’t even see a woman. I see a girl.

Depending on your worldview, the fact that women are encouraged to out-do men at being men– tackling the business world and domestic world simultaneously, while also walking the tightrope of gorgeous but not slutty, trim not flabby, makeup but not too much, feminine but not doormat– or encouraged to be stay at home moms without any other options might tell you a bit about the nature of womanhood.

Depending on who you are, those options may imply a progressive world where women can be who and what they want. Or you might think we still have a long way to go. Or even that we’ve fallen into an immoral society that entices women away from real work: raising and rearing children.

My worldview tells me that regardless of your particular perspective, femininity, and womanhood are under attack.

I’ve never once met a woman (including myself, by the way) who is content with her lot in life, much less who she is. Women in love with their careers are haggard from the necessity to out-pace men otherwise they’ll lose their hard-earned respect or position. Mothers who dote on their children and husbands are frazzled, unfulfilled, and insecure in whether or not they’re enough.

Women are overloaded, underfed (emotionally, physically, spiritually, psychologically), overwhelmed, under-appreciated, and constantly trying to be more, feel more, do more, talk less, look this way, be that person, take on the world, never miss a beat, and look fantastic doing it all.

Do you see what I see? Look. Really look. Society demands that woman do. So? If women spend their entire lives juggling their lives when will they ever have the chance to be? Be women?

Women aren’t machines but we the world sure expect us to act like it. Think back to the inspiring beauty, the windswept sorceress of poems, history, and fiction. Did they seem frazzled? Distracted? Too busy? Perfect? No.

That image was inspired by real women. I want to be that woman. I desperately want to be fierce, passionate, vibrant, and a force to be reckoned with. I’m tired of being attacked and torn to bits. My worldview tells me there is a way for me to be that woman. That, in fact, I was created specifically for that purpose.

Do you want to be that woman? Or, if you think that’s a bit far-fetched, at least make it through the day feeling like you aren’t a failure? You’ve come to the right tent, my friend. Step right in and we’ll get our makeovers started together.